Top 5 Reasons the US Hockey Team Won’t Win Gold

Look, I want the USA to prevail. In fact, before they released the roster for this years Winter Olympics in Sochi I was convinced they would have a legitimate shot at Gold. But then the names came out and my mouth dropped. Not only that, but they released this statement.

We did not pick the 25 best players. We picked the 25 players we thought gave us a chance to win the gold medal.
- Some Moron Who Works for the US Hockey Team

Now obviously I wanted to see Keith Yandle make the team, but upon further examination there are a number of reasons why the US will not prevail in Sochi, Russia. Here are the Top 5.

1. THE US HOCKEY TEAM CAN’T YANDLE THE TRUTH!

“Me Yandle! Me score! Me Definitely be on US Hockey Team, right?” Mandatory Credit: Kelvin Kuo-USA TODAY Sports

Okay yes this is Howlin’ Hockey, the best dang Phoenix Coyotes website on the face of the world wide web. So naturally I think Keith Yandle, a man who has scored 27 times in the past 40 games, deserves to get a roster spot. When these galoots say they didn’t pick the “best players” boy do they mean it.

2. BOBBY RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT!

“Where’s Kevin Costner when you need him?” Mandatory Credit: Marc DesRosiers-USA TODAY Sports

First of all, notice how I refused to use a picture featuring the weird Golden faced Senator mascot on Bobby’s uniform? Yeah. Metaphor for “no gold”. And also that dude’s face creeps me out. Look, Ryan may not be one of the fastest Right Wing’s in the game, but the guy is a winner. Case in point, he helped the US Team win Silver against Canada. And that was IN Canada! And also, how dare you hurt Bobby’s feelings US Hockey Team!

You almost feel degraded. – Bobby “The Degraded” Ryan

3. BECAUSE BRIAN BURKE IS A LOUD MOUTHED IGNORAMUS!

“Look, I have a big dumb alcoholic head. Everyone should clearly listen to me.” Photo Courtesy of USA Today Sports Images*

When you’re putting together a board to lead your team into battle against the entire world, you want to make sure you’ve got the right guy. You may want someone who’s got class, poise, the know how to pick the right players and the respect of his peers. So naturally we’re stuck with this clown. Here are some choice words Burke had for one of the best AMERICAN BORN hockey players in the game today, Bobby Ryan.

He’s a passive guy.

He is not intense. That word is not in his vocabulary. It’s never going to be in his vocabulary. He can’t spell intense.

I should have taken Jack (he took Bobby in the 2005 draft for the Anaheim Ducks over Jack Johnson). No way he lets us down for 12 days.

- Brian “Is This a Cash Bar” Burke

4. THE CHOSEN ONES ARE NOT UP TO TASK

“Wait, wait, wait, do we have to play Russia in the Olympics? Oh we’re screwed.” Mandatory Credit: Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

I don’t hate the team chosen. Truth be told if they were to pull it off it would be pretty amazing. Seeing as how this team is lacking legitimate “star players” pretty much makes them Underdogs. And who doesn’t love an Underdog? I’m sure that’s not what the committee who put them together had in mind though.

From the looks of the team they went with speed over power. And if they can outrun the other teams that can definitely give them the edge. Here’s the thing though, what if they can’t outrun the other teams? Are they going to matchup with Russia’s skilled players for instance? Do they have what it takes to get them off puck and change momentum? I’m not sure they do.

5. BECAUSE RUSSIA. THAT’S WHY.

“The US Hockey Team, poison them.” Photo Courtesy of USA Today Sports Images

Look, I’m not saying that I don’t trust Russia, but here’s the thing, I really don’t trust Russia. In fact, I’ll go ahead and say that even if Yandle and Ryan were on the team, even if Burke had no say and the current roster was pumped with HGH to the eye lids, there is no way that Russia would allow us to win Gold IN RUSSIA. I mean, you know, they’re the bad guys. It’s what they do.

Okay, that’s all I got for now. I’m clearly unhappy with the US Team’s choices but let’s face it, once they hit the ice I’ll be screaming “USA! USA! USA!” with the rest of ‘em. So, let’s hope the experts are right on this one. After all, what do I know? I can’ t even skate!

So let me know what you think below and until next time, stay ornery Arizona.

 

Topics: Bobby Ryan, Phoenix Coyotes

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