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Arizona Coyotes Plan to Bore the Columbus Blue Jackets on Thursday Night!

By Scott Thompson

GLENDALE, ARIZONA - OCTOBER 17: (L-R) Clayton Keller #9, Phil Kessel #81, Oliver Ekman-Larsson #23, Christian Dvorak #18 and Derek Stepan #21 of the Arizona Coyotes celebrate after Kessel scored a power play goal against the Nashville Predators during the first period of the NHL game at Gila River Arena on October 17, 2019 in Glendale, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
GLENDALE, ARIZONA - OCTOBER 17: (L-R) Clayton Keller #9, Phil Kessel #81, Oliver Ekman-Larsson #23, Christian Dvorak #18 and Derek Stepan #21 of the Arizona Coyotes celebrate after Kessel scored a power play goal against the Nashville Predators during the first period of the NHL game at Gila River Arena on October 17, 2019 in Glendale, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images) /
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The Arizona Coyotes are planning to bore the visiting Columbus Blue Jackets right out of Gila River Arena on Thursday night beginning at 7:00 p.m. local time.

Coming off a sobering, disappointing OT loss to the Calgary Flames (9-7-2) on Tuesday night, the Arizona Coyotes (9-4-2) plan to bore the visiting “anything-BUT-boring” Columbus Blue Jackets into submission by playing dull, boring hockey.

Here are the specifics of the game plan (please don’t leak it to any non-Arizona Coyotes personnel) Head Coach Rick Tocchet will have the Coyotes’ starting goalkeeper effectively (but dispassionately so as not to raise suspicion), and with no malice aforethought, save every single exciting shot taken by the Blue Jackets players while the 5 Arizona Coyotes’ players will boldly, and without showing any noticeable emotion, have the nerve to collectively defend their “D” zone as a unit.

But wait! There’s more: They will then transition, at pace and without apology, into and swiftly through the notoriously-boring neutral zone on their way to their “O” zone. How you ask? By having the gall to use talented, skillful, puck-handling professionals, who in turn will predictably make boring, unselfish passes to their open teammates so that they can take a plethora of the most uninspired, mundane of shots toward the Blue Jackets’ exciting and emotion-filled goalkeeper.

The ‘Yotes, should there be a need to defend against the excessively exciting Columbus power-play unit, also hope to be excruciatingly boring when penalty killing. Their plan is to unreasonably clog the passing lanes and to compete aggressively (but stoically of course) for every puck, loose or otherwise.

Their intent you ask? To kill the penalty, of course, but also to have a chance to score a listless short-handed goal during an uninspired, tedious breakaway by a speedy but boring, hard-working blue-collar player.

I hope Thursday night’s game is a typical Coyotes “run of the mill” effort, as I will be watching and appreciating every minute of it and applauding the Arizona Coyotes’ mundane attempts at being an exciting team to watch.

Let’s go Coyotes!

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